What is self-care?

I recently had a chat with a client who had transformed her lifestyle by introducing daily meditation and regular exercise. As you can probably imagine, this had a very valuable impact on her.

I wasn’t surprised to hear that as a single mum of three boys; she felt that some of her new habits were slipping by the wayside. Whilst she had maintained her daily meditation, she hadn’t done as much exercise and said, ‘I need to do more self-care’.

This made me think. What do we mean by self-care? And is it the same for everyone?

Let’s start with the second, easier question which gets a resounding no! We are all unique. What nourishes me may be completely unsuitable for you. Equally, tell me to go out for a run and my hips (and my doctor) would scream ‘no!’ So, we find our own way. If we are fortunate, we learn how to listen to our bodies, and tune into that inner wisdom which tells us the way.

Most of us, like my client, think that self-care involves an action that results in an obvious consequence. The spa day, the sweaty spin class, the afternoon power nap that revives for the rest of the day.

But what if self-care was more subtle than that? What if it didn’t always involve a grand gesture or huge amount of effort?

I remember being told about the reverse to-do list, which I love. Write down all the things you are not going to do. Simply saying no could have an incredible impact on your wellbeing and sense of self.

Our self-talk is also super important. When you notice yourself speaking harshly to yourself (‘I’m such an idiot’ or ‘I’m useless at this’ or ‘I’m not as good as them’) tweak your words. Be kind. Constantly programming negativity into your mind will not help you to thrive, and in fact can have the opposite effect.

What about the microaggressions that are also undetectable unless you tune in? Eating the junk food because it’s there even though you’re not hungry. Ignoring the need to rest instead of accepting an invitation that seems so much more appealing than simply being quiet at home. Invalidating your own emotions that just need to be with you in any given moment. This kind of self-talk can sound like ‘I need to put my big girls pants on’ or ‘I just need to get over it’. We ignore and invalidate our own emotions at our peril, but we do it as a matter of habit, and because it’s easier than facing them.

Other microaggressions can include setting unrealistic expectations, minimising our own achievements instead of celebrating them, and ignoring boundaries that we decided to set.

This is the invisible side of self-care. The side that can’t be sold to you by a global conglomerate. No monetary value is placed on this kind of care, yet it is priceless. And probably more important than any spa day could ever be. Yes, even if there are hot stones and natural whirlpools.

Perhaps the question isn't, ‘What more self-care do I need?’ but ‘Where am I abandoning myself?’  What answer arises when you ask yourself that question honestly?